


illogical

by peachsneakers



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit is very if you squint, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 10:28:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19789000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachsneakers/pseuds/peachsneakers
Summary: Logan doesn't have feelings. He talks too much. He's just a...Burden.





	illogical

If he says it enough times, then maybe he'll believe it.

"I have no feelings," he says, and it cracks something deep inside when the others laugh or agree, although Virgil sends him searching looks every once in a while. The anxious side obviously doesn't want to pry though, and Logan can't blame him. He has coached Virgil (awkwardly) through more than one panic attack. He's not good at it, but he refuses to stop trying, at least when he is the only one available. It would not be right to give up on assisting Virgil. ~~Isn't that what everyone else has done to you?~~

It isn't logical for him to have emotions, anyway. They do not assist him in any way to perform his tasks. Thomas's arm does not require emotions in order for him to move it. Emotions are only a _hindrance_ when it comes to proper planning of Thomas's day. Logical thinking necessitates a lack of emotion. Doesn't it?

Logan isn't sure anymore, and that is deeply unsettling.

Then Deceit happens.

He has been aware of Deceit for quite a while. ( ~~How couldn't he, with how much he lies to himself?~~ ) But then his own hand is shoved across his mouth against his will, and he's choking on his words, _you do talk too much sometimes,_ and he's not the one explaining, not until Thomas finally admits to himself that he wants to know what he's been hiding from himself.

Then the court room scenario, and he isn't in it, because Deceit chose to impersonate _him_ this time, and while it's a little warming to discover how quickly the others realized that it wasn't actually him, Deceit's words still linger in his mind. _Patton didn't want you here._ He knows Deceit is lying and yet he can't help but wonder. After all... He does talk a lot. When he finishes his tasks for Thomas that night, he works late into the early morning hours, his mind a frenzied whirl of thoughts and impressions. He's so distracted he doesn't notice until a bright sizzle of pain flashes through him that he's given himself a nasty paper cut.

He stares down at the red drops welling up in fascination. He is human, after all. The blood, thick and metallic-scented, proves that he is not a mess of circuitry under a thin shell of human skin. He knew that, but the confirmation is...interesting. He swipes a finger through it, watching it smear across his skin.

As he watches the bleeding slow and stop, he realizes the buzzing under his skin that he didn't even know was there has quieted.

"Interesting," Logan murmurs, before he summons a first aid kit to sanitize it. While he does not believe it is possible to get an infection in the mind palace, he doesn't want to be the first test subject.

It happens again. He has to further test his hypothesis, doesn't he? This time, he doesn't use a piece of paper. It is too wobbly and unpredictable. He uses a straightened safety pin, drawing a neat, precise line across his wrist. It takes more than once to pull blood to the surface, but as soon as it does, that numb relief floods him, making him stagger.

He doesn't have emotions, he reminds himself with each new line, each new experiment. Each time he has to shut up, be quiet, just do your job, Logic, don't tell me how to do mine. It hurts every time, a throbbing, stinging pain that makes him hiss and grit his teeth. He has to hold his arm in an awkward position as he cleans up, careful not to get blood on his desk.

 _Perhaps you should clean up in the bathroom,_ a thought suggests. Preoccupied with keeping his workspace clean, Logan absently agrees, grabbing the first aid kit and tucking it under his arm. He doesn't think about the fact that his wrist is still bleeding, that his shirt sleeve is still rolled up, until he's halfway to the bathroom and runs right into Virgil.

"Whoa," Virgil says, reaching out and steadying him. Virgil's comment breaks off with a sharp hiss when he holds his hand up, smeared with Logan's blood. "What the _fuck_ -"

"I can explain," Logan says, and swears the feeling welling up inside is not panic. He can't feel panic. He can't feel anything.

"Okay, come on," Virgil says, grabbing his other arm and towing him into the bathroom. He thrusts Logan's arm under the sink, turning on the tap, and Logan winces as the water makes contact with his wounds. "Jesus, Logan, how many times have you-"

"Fifteen," Logan answers without thinking. Virgil's eyes widen and he makes a tiny, hurt sound under his breath.

"Why?" Virgil asks. "If- if you don't want to tell me, that's fine, I-"

"It is fine, Virgil," Logan answers as Virgil fumbles with the first aid kit. "It was- an experiment. To see whether it remained consistent that this-" He gestures at his arm. "-would prove enough to remove feeling. But it seems to require more as I continue."

"It..does that," Virgil mumbles, and the shadows clouding his eyes are enough to dissuade Logan from further questions. "You're allowed to feel, Logan. I know that we- we joke about you not having emotions, but if you _do_ , that's... That's okay."

"Oh," Logan says. He is disconcerted to discover that his eyes are damp. "I seem to be crying." A watery laugh escapes Virgil.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised," he says. "Um, Logan? Do you think you could talk to Patton and Roman about this, too?" He waves a hand at Logan's now-bandaged arm. Logan tilts his head in thought, not noticing the glint of yellow in the corner.

"I believe so," he finally says. "I can try."

"That's all I can ask for," Virgil says. The smile tipping Logan's mouth is wholly unfamiliar, but he has to admit he likes it.

**Author's Note:**

> if you want, my tumblr is candied-peach! ♡


End file.
